I hope that some of you have begun the process of identifying and pursuing your “ideal self.”  If you want to improve the way you recruit, coach, or manage those around you, it’s imperative that you do so.

As the owner of one large company aptly said,

“Continued learning and personal growth are essential for the evolution of a world-class leader.”

If you drag your feet and ignore this powerful exercise, you’ll miss a chance to improve your level of overall well-being in the upcoming year.

Some people resist these types of exercises because it makes them feel like they are admitting weakness or inwardly confessing that something is wrong with them.  The opposite is true.   Working on these issues is really an admission that you want to improve and that you have an “ideal self” waiting to be activated.   

My background is in Clinical Psychology. I continue to see clients in my private practice 2 days a week. Over the course of the last 21 years, I’ve logged well over 30,000 hours of psychotherapy with people having a range of difficulties. Regardless of the presenting problem, at the heart of each person’s transformation is the struggle to shed the “false self” (see my previous blog) and to pursue alignment between the individual’s ‘real self” and their “ideal self.”  

People undergoing psychotherapy build up layers of protection that make it very difficult for them to identify their “ideal self”.  These layers of protection are the result of adversity, trauma, or some other significant set of circumstances.   For these people, this process can be very long and painful.  But, it is rewarding.  I’ve consistently seen it free people to do things they could never have dreamed of doing before this transformation.

Let me give you an example.  Several years ago, a woman came to see me who had lived a life that resembles most of our nightmares. Her parents rented her out for child pornography films and threatened her life on several occasions when she resisted. As an adult, she had shown little respect for herself and was involved a several very abusive relationships.  Despite having an incredibly high IQ and natural artistic talent, she was working as a housekeeper when she started psychotherapy.

After several years of therapy, she began to sell her art work, discontinued all her abusive relationships, and began to form friendships with people who she had always believed were “better” than her. With continued growth, she later envisioned, developed, and is now operating a vocational school in Uganda.  This school is for individuals who have themselves lived lives of horror.  The purpose of this school is to equip these individuals to achieve what they didn’t think possible and work towards a decent living.

Of course, most people like you and me do not have to fight against such devastating circumstances, nor do we need the help of a psychologist to guide us through the process of identifying our “ideal self.” 

But, don’t lose the principle just because the scale of issue may be smaller in your own life.  Food is necessary to nurse a very sick person back to health, but it is also required for normal people to maintain themselves.   I’ve applied this process in my own life, and I've seen it produce changes in the lives of those around me.    Hopefully, you’ll give it a try as well.

Note:  New to Workpuzzle?  Read Part 1 and Part 2 on this topic to learn the process of identifying your “ideal self.”

How does a person go about identifying their “ideal self”?  Some people have an idea of what kind of person they want to become—this vision just needs to be brought into focus.  Others haven’t really given this concept very much conscious thought.

Even if you’re in the second group, perceiving what your ideal self will be is not as difficult as it may sound.  Subconsciously, each of us is haunted by conflicts around this ideal, and your mind is constantly trying to reconcile these conflicts.  Tapping into the work that your mind has already done shortcuts the progression necessary to identify the ideal self.   

The following is a process that I have personally used to measure my progress toward living aligned to my ideal self. It may seem complicated at first, but it gets clearer as you begin to work on it yourself.  

First I try to assess how closely I can align my real self (who I am in both strengths and character) with my ideal self (the self that I want to become).  To make this assessment, I need to know the following things:

1. What character traits, virtues and actions I want to display (my ideal self).
2. What strengths and expertise I bring to the table (my real self).
3. What characteristics I currently display that  are self-centered (thus interfering with alignment).

Sit down with a notepad and pen and do the following: 

Write down a description (characteristics, behavior, values) of your best self. These would be 
those characteristics that people love about you, and are part your natural makeup. The best self is the alignment of your ideal self and real self.

Next, write down characteristics of your worst self (behaviors, values etc). These are the characteristics that people generally dislike about you and usually are rooted in dark values such as selfishness, need for admiration or superiority, excessive need for safety and security, etc.

Finally write down what is your “ought self.” These are those behaviors that seem like they are good and decent but feel forced, unnatural, and more of a burden. These traits keep you from being real. Sometimes, those whom you trust are better able to recognize these behaviors than you are. Ask them if they can share with you ways in which you burn unnecessary energy trying to be someone you believe you’re supposed to be. 

Once these are written out, condense them into a list that you can write on a small piece of paper that will fit in your wallet or purse. Throughout the year, frequently use idle time to review how you’re doing. Ask yourself, which self am I living today? Is it making me and others around me happy? How can I get myself back on track?

If you do the above, I can’t guarantee that your business will pick up. But I can guarantee that you and those you influence will feel better about you and you’ll have a better  measuring stick to assess how you did in 2009.  Then when the economy does pick up, you’ll be more poised to do better than you would have done otherwise. 

Over the last week, you’ve probably had some time to reflect on 2008.   Was it a good year? That depends how you look at it.

If you measure a year by things such as the money you lost or how secure you feel about your business, then for many, it was probably a very bad year. Immersing yourself in mourning the losses will do little to improve your ability to work well or bring you happiness.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. But science tells us that human beings are very poor predictors of what will bring them happiness.   If we really want to be happy, then it is important that we live consistent with what truly brings happiness.

One of the truths that will bring happiness is living according to who you want to become.  This is called your “ideal self.”

The “ideal self” should not be confused with the “ought self”. The “ought self” is the self that other influential people in your life wanted you to become.  For example, your parents may have had strong opinions on what you should do with your life. 

The “ideal self” is also commonly confused with the “ false ideal self.”  The “false ideal self” focuses on false ideals such as acquiring wealth, fame, or security. 

At your core, somewhere, no matter who you are, you have an idea of what kind of person you want to become. And the more you fight against this longing, the more miserable you’ll be.

It’s my belief that this “ideal self” is the self you were created to be. Some fight it more than others.  But that “ideal self” is a self that lives by personal and universal values that guide every action.

Research of happy people tells us that they live by their values. They are in less internal conflict about what is important to them.

In my next article, I’ll outline a simple process for identifying your “ideal self” and give you some guidelines on living by the values you’ve identified.

In 1968, a recovering alcoholic and failed insurance salesman named Og Mandino wrote a Christmas story called The Greatest Salesman in the World.  This book was the result of several years of self-study and a single night of inspiration. 

Although the book was written 40 years ago, you can still walk into any Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy.  The book launched Og Mandino’s career, and he went on to write many more books, selling more than 50 million copies and became a very prominent public speaker.   

He died in 1996, but his legacy lives on.  If you’ve never read this story, pick it up over the Christmas holiday.  You don’t have to be a salesman to enjoy it.  In fact, I’m reading it to my kids in the evenings this week, and last night they said, “Dad, don’t stop reading now, we want to know what happens next!” 

I won’t spoil the story, but the basic premise is that a “lowly camel boy” named Hafid gets exposed to the ancient wisdom contained in ten secret scrolls.  By applying this wisdom, the boy goes on to build the greatest trading company of all time in the Middle East. 

The purpose of the book is to share the ten business/life principles contained in the secret scrolls. I’ve read this book several times over the last decade, and two of the ten principles have had particular impact on my life.   I’ll share those today, and hopefully you’ll be curious enough to read more on your own.

The Principle of Love:  purposing in your mind to show love to the people you meet and interact with on a daily basis.

"For [love] is the greatest secret of success in all ventures. Muscle can split a shield and even destroy life but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of men and until I master this art I will remain no more than a peddler in the market place. I will make love my greatest weapon and none on whom I call can defend against its force.   My reasoning they may counter; my speech they may distrust; my apparel they may disapprove; my face they may reject; and even my bargains may cause them suspicion; yet my love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day.

…And, how will I confront each whom I meet?"   In only one way — in silence, and to myself, I will address him and say, "I love you!" Though spoken in silence these words will shine in my eyes, unwrinkle my brow, bring a smile to my lips, and echo in my voice; and his heart will be opened. And, who is there who will say ‘Nay’ to my goods when his heart feels my love?"

The Principle of Perseverance:  purposing to focus on the long term, push through obstacles, and see difficulties and setbacks as necessary ingredients for  a successful life.

“In the Orient,young bulls are tested for the fight arena in a certain manner. Each is brought to the ring and allowed to attack a picador who pricks them with a lance. The bravery of each bull is then rated with care according to the number of times he demonstrates his willingness to charge in spite of the sting of the blade. Henceforth will I recognize that each day I am tested by life in like manner. If I persist, if I continue to try, if I continue to charge forward, I will succeed.

…The prizes of life are at the end of each journey, not near the beginning; and it is not given to me to know how many steps are necessary in order to reach my goal. Failure I may still encounter at the thousandth step, yet success hides behind the next bend in the road. Never will I know how close it lies unless I turn the corner. Always will I take another step. If that is of no avail, I will take another, and yet another. In truth, one step at a time is not too difficult.

…I will be liken to the rain drop which washes away the mountain; the ant who devours a tiger; the star which brightens the earth; the slave who builds a pyramid. I will build my castle one brick at a time for I know that small attempts, repeated, will complete any undertaking.  I will persist until I succeed.”

In the end, you’ll learn how Og Mandino masterfully weaves these principles into the familiar Christmas narrative, but you’ll also get the opportunity to view it from a new perspective.  No doubt you’ll enjoy the story, but you may find some inspiration for the New Year as well.

Did you know that the science of work has something to say about gratitude?  What your parents taught you about being thankful, has been shown to greatly impact the work environment. 

In the spirit of the season, I thought it appropriate to share the research that relates the benefits we can expect from being grateful.

Selfishness comes naturally to most people. Wishing for more rather than being thankful for what we have is a theme portrayed in nearly every classic holiday film or tale.  Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carole, George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life, and the Grinch in The Grinch who Stole Christmas were all finally saved from their selfish ambition to recognize and savor the smallest treasures of what they had.  

Gratitude can be simply defined  as the acknowledgement and pleasure in having received. For centuries, the topic was ignored by serious scientists because most believed the concept should be left to the realm of philosophers and theologians.

More recently, as serious researchers began studying gratitude in earnest, they found some surprising benefits for both organizations and individuals.

Gratitude is responsible for significant enhancement of mood,  and it increases prosocial behavior (i.e. being kind and doing things for others).

Researcher and professor Dr. Robert A Emmons writes in Positive Organizational Scholarship: The Foundations of a New Discipline:

"The cultivation of gratitude may be important in organizations not only because of the direct effects of improving organizational climate, but also because as a cognitive strategy, gratitude can improve individual well-being and lower toxic emotions in the workplace, such as resentment and envy.

…Studies have shown that employees’ happiness and well-being are associated positively with performance, morale, commitment, and can reduce absenteeism and staff turn-over. The techniques to improve gratitude, a key ingredient in positive emotion, could enhance individual and organizational well-being."

So, regardless of what has happened to our stock portfolios and our balance sheets, perhaps we can remember that the best way to instill well-being to our organizations is to recite the words of George Bailey,

“Hello, Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan! Hey! Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!”