I like rules that make sense… Rules that have a purpose… Rules that are intended to make us more productive people.  Although I’ve touched on it previously, I’d like to revisit the topic of rules that govern human behavior.  Just yesterday I referenced the below material in responding to a client’s question.  Clearly, it continues to provide relevant insight for all of us.

Recruiting, coaching and work performance are governed by the rules of human behavior.  The rules aren’t always as ironclad as the rules of the physical universe, but they are fairly predictable.  While it may seem complicated, our job is to boil these principles down to rules that you can remember and practice on a daily basis.

Over the next few weeks, I will list and describe some of the rules regarding human behavior, and then dive into each of these rules in more detail in the months ahead.  I hope you follow along for the ride.

Rule #1:  The Rule of Relationship Credibility

Whether you’re recruiting new talent, coaching a team of high performers, or teaching others to recruit clients, you must understand the concept of relationship credibility.  Ask yourself this question:

“Can I generally figure out when someone is exploiting me for their own purposes?”

I think most of us have a good barometer for detecting when this is the case.  Likewise, those with whom you’re attempting to build a relationship can likely figure this out too.

If you want to draw in the very best talent, and draw out the most from them, then you need to understand what these individuals require from you.  Talented people want to have relationships, be understood, and be associated with people who are credible.

How is credibility built?  It is partially built through “process” and partially built through “substance.”

The definition of “process” is “a series of actions directed toward a specific aim.”  Consistent and thoughtful follow-up on your part, shows that you are dependable.  A well-conceived plan demonstrates integrity in your thoughts.  If those around you perceive that you only make contact when you want something, you will not be perceived as credible.  Executing and clearly communicating a process will prevent this from happening.

While process is important, substance is even more important.  “Substance” is defined as “real or practical value or importance.”  The substance in any relationship is most easily developed by learning about the other person’s story.  This is vital for managers because it gives both you and your (prospective) employee the opportunity to assess whether you are a good fit for each other, and whether joining your team fits into his/her life story.  Genuine interest in the lives of your employees fosters the development of substance in your work relationship with them, thus fostering your credibility.

Here’s what you need to know:  What drives this person?  What are their ultimate goals?  How does doing what they’re doing now fit into this goal?  How does it fit into their financial, family and retirement objectives?  How does it fit into their charitable affiliations?  How does it fit into their personal development?  The answers to these questions will illuminate the foundation of their life story.

If a person feels that you are genuinely interested in them, he/she wants to be asked these questions.  Having this exchange will give you the most valuable tool known to managers: relationship credibility.

With relationship credibility, you can begin to integrate every conversation regarding business plans, sales objectives, and talent development into a person’s big picture.  This will be experienced as authentic, natural, and mutually beneficial.

The most popular WorkPuzzle blog to date is titled “Coaching for Confidence.”  In order to achieve a state of true confidence, you need to have worked hard at developing a talent or set of skills.  This development never comes easily and is always built with consistent and copious amounts of time and effort.

If you’ve read WorkPuzzle the last couple days (Part 1, Part 2), you know that science says the same thing about happiness.  Happiness, or a life with abiding and deep satisfaction, takes work.

For coaches, parents, and managers, this is invaluable information.  Only with this information firmly planted into your frontal lobe, can you know how to begin answering questions and fielding complaints regarding frustration, failure, roadblocks, and anxiety.

Let me give you some examples of what science says about happiness and confidence, and then tell you how to apply it:

1. Success and happiness never come solely from “the pleasant life.”  The pleasant life is defined as:  A life dedicated to maximizing the amount of pleasurable experiences in both frequency and duration.  People who value this goal above all others, exhibit more depression and anxiety, and are more likely to report feelings of “emptiness.”  (Martin Seligman, “Learned Optimism”)

2. People report much greater well-being when working.  They feel stronger, more creative, satisfied, and good about themselves when they are at work.  Studies show that while at leisure, people fall into the range known as “apathy.”  They feel passive, weak, dull, and dissatisfied.

There is one more surprising finding here:  The above respondents, despite their “greater well-being”, ironically reported that they’d rather be somewhere else than at work.  The reason for this is that our culture has gradually created some very strong stereotypes about work, such as:  Work is an imposition, a constraint, an infringement of their freedom, and therefore something to be avoided.  (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi “Flow:  Psychology of Optimal Experience”)

So, as a coach, when someone complains to you about how difficult it is to achieve what they want to achieve, and they insist that it should be easier – Remind them that everyone would be happy, confident, and successful if fulfillment was easily achieved.  Assign them the task of asking the happiest, most confident, successful people they know, how they got there.

I guarantee that the answer would be a long list of trials, failures, starts and stops, and difficulty.  Welcome to the life of a happy person!

Ralph Marston said it this way:

“If it were quick and easy you would have already done it.  The fact that it is difficult and time-consuming means you’re doing something truly worthwhile.  The value of any achievement is built with the time and effort you put into it.  Keep going, keep building, keep at it and you’ll truly have something of great value.  It is often difficult to stay positively focused.  And it is always worth the trouble.  Sure, it would be much easier to do nothing.  Yet by doing nothing, you create nothing.  Instead, step forward and do the difficult work that must be done.  With each effort, you are adding more value and substance to the achievement.  Feel the satisfaction as you continue the difficult and rewarding work of building that achievement.  Know that the value has already started coming to life.”

Ben’s article opens the door to possibly an entire series of articles.  You see, if we don’t understand both the causes and the impact of happiness, we really can’t have any influence over anyone.  We must appeal to what really makes people happy to engage them on any meaningful level.

All science around human flourishing can be summed up in one sentence: “It turns out that we are very poor predictors of what makes us happy.”  (Seligman, Csikszentmihalyi, and Diener all say in separate writings)

Why are we such poor predictors of what makes us happy?  Basically, it’s because we get sidetracked by the ever increasing availability and temptation of short-cuts and instant gratification.  Additionally, volumes of evidence suggests that for the last 60 years we have been told (from teachers, parents, media, friends, and public policy) that happiness is attained by those who increase their pleasurable experiences in both frequency and duration. 

Science, however, tells a different story…  Research shows that this mentality (the belief that we need to do more fun things in life to be happy) leads to an increase in societal and personal depression and anxiety.

Science has found that…ouch, here comes the bad news.. happiness takes work!  It takes character development, delayed gratification, engagement in ones work, strong marriage (this has the highest correlation to happiness), playing an active role in developing ones children, and having goals that are built upon deep beliefs and purpose.

Increasing happiness in ourselves and in others undoubtedly takes work.  But, if your responsibilities include coaching others, the knowledge is invaluable.  You can begin to ask:

1. Are you happy?
2. Let’s figure out why or why not? (If I can’t help your overall happiness quotient, what’s keeping you from moving to another office?
3. What do you believe will make you happy here?
4. How are your goals in this job related to your overall goals in life? 

Side Note:  If the person only focuses on the financial picture, ask them:  How does this fit into your goals for your family, community, or faith?  If your approach strikes them as new and different, let them know that you are dedicated to helping them see the whole picture.  You want them to work hard, but it has to be toward something with more meaning than money (…although this is certainly part of the picture and not at all bad in itself!).

Here is an example of a work-related goal you may elicit:  “I want to be good at what I do, and service my clients better than they have ever been serviced…”  Now that’s a goal!  But, again, it takes hard work.  When they succeed, they’ll feel deeply satisfied and very grateful to you. 

It will take time, planning, execution, and effort, because remember…there are no shortcuts to happiness!

I’ve been following the work of Stanford Professor Carol Dweck over the past few years concerning the research topic she calls “growth mindset.”   Her research on this subject is about as compelling for a coach or manager as anything that I have ever seen.

Simply stated, she has shown that people who have a growth mindset believe that they can increase their level of ability and intelligence through hard work.  This is especially true if a person believes they are at an initial disadvantage compared to others.

Dr. Dweck has consistently demonstrated that people who believe their intelligence and abilities are fixed respond dismally to failure. They often feel hopeless and depressed because they believe there is little they can do to change the outcome of their futures.

In the realm of education, she has even discovered that students who are taught about the growth mindset do remarkably better than those who receive traditional skills training (ex. study skills, time management skills, etc.)

It is not difficult to make the connection to the business world.  As a manager, you’ll have a much greater return on the time you spend with your direct reports if you apply these principles.  This may seem counterintuitive, but it is better to assess and build the growth mindset in those you coach than spend time teaching them the skill-based steps to success.

Check out this interview with Dr. Dweck for some interesting perspectives:

Note:  If you’re an email subscriber, see the Dr. Dweck video by visiting WorkPuzzle. 

Like anything, you’ll need to internalize these ideas to effectively teach them to those you coach.  Here are some questions you can ask yourself on this topic: 
Do I have the growth mindset or a fixed mindset?

Do I feel anxious and depressed after failing?

Do I avoid tasks because of the fear of failure?

Do I put less effort into tasks because I feel hopeless about making progress?

Do I find that when I’m carrying out a task, I am worried about how good I look at it, rather than what I am learning from it?

Do I miss learning opportunities because of fear of failure?